Firstly, The Feltchers' would like to thank Marts for all of the laughs he has provided us with. We have had many a good time, not only with his antics of today, but also looking back to the 'Era' which saw him develop into the man he is today.
Where are the Mullet Police when you need them???
In Tony Martin's debut interview with Channel 9's "Off The Bar" (Dunedin's local soccer show), the theatrics that followed the Caversham v Mosgiel game 03/06/00 he was quoted in saying:
"I have a life-long phobia of hankies...The referee was acting on medical advice."
The rest is history.
The pain of your comeback match after injury. Let it be a lesson to us all!
Bill Clinton after a hard night on the good stuff with the Feltchers.
A Few Short and Curlies
*Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win.
*My drinking team has a soccer problem.
*Soccer players do it for 90 minutes in 11 different positions
*Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
*There's a reason they call guys on the soccer field 'players'.
*There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
*Some people have six pack abdomens. I have a keg - Cooser.
*Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your beer.
*Can I have your picture? ......So I can show Santa EXACTLY what I want for Christmas.
*There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money.
*We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
*Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
*Employment tip #127: Never take a beer to a job interview.
*Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
*The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.
Hard Laughs!!!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What did the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex educationon the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing!

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat but you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q: What's the difference between an Essex Girl and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
A: Your last blow job.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A: Pat

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a blender.

Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B.

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A. Patient!!

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